Five Cheers for Five Years

Five years.
Five years ago I was laying a bathroom floor alone at 3am, and crying so hard it was silent. I was alone on a bathroom floor trying to hang onto whatever little bit of life I had left in me.
I remember the first person that I told. I remember the phone call that I made that night. I remember the fear in his voice. I remember the shaking in his voice as he told me that it would be okay, that i could get through it and that it was okay to ask for help.

5 years ago I hit rock bottom.
The person that I was dating at the time left because I was in such a dark place. It was too much for him to handle. Hell it was too much for me to handle. How do you stay with someone that’s doing everything they can to die.
I drank every night of the week. I barely ate. I over exercised. I didn’t listen to anyone. I was destroying myself.

Five years seems like a long period of time, but it went by so fast. It feels like all of those things happened yesterday. They still burn inside my memory.. every thought I had is still there in the back of my mind. Every thing that I felt over the past five years throughout different therapy sessions is still there.

In the past 5 years I’ve changed so much. I’ve gone from someone that didn’t let anyone in due to the fears of them finding out to someone that will open up about my past. I went from someone that was terrified to order at a restaurant to the point of leaving to someone that takes a deep breath and dives in.

There have been so many different changes over the past five years and I can’t even begin to break them all down. I can say that I have never felt more confident in myself and more aware of who I am and what I want than i do now. There are so many people that I have to thank for that.. and they know who they are.

Recovery is an uphill battle. It’s not easy and there are nights that I fall apart. There are mornings that I struggle to convince myself to eat breakfast.. and there are times where I forget to trust the process and want to change everything into something drastic. The coach that i’m working with now has helped me overcome so many of things that I’ve repressed for the past five years.. and within the past 3 months has helped me reach new heights in my recovery.

Five years may seem like a long time.. but it’s not. Five years is just another milestone that i’ve hit along my lifelong journey to be recovered. I’m still not sure if being fully recovered is a real thing or if it’s something that therapists have made up to give us something to strive for.  Whether being fully recovered is real or not, there won’t be a day that I don’t want to achieve it.

5 years ago I was at rock bottom.
5 years ago I was holding onto a very tiny thread of Life that I had left in me.
5 years ago I was dead inside.
Today i’m better than I have ever been.
Today i’m trying to live everyday in the present moment.
Today I am full of life.

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