When it comes to break ups there is always a part of you that tries to hold onto any piece of what was in order to cope. Over the past few months i’ve realized that breaking up with your eating disorder is very similar to breaking up with a significant other.
When you break up with a significant other there are certain memories that you cling to and there are certain things you continuously look back on wondering where it went wrong. Where it started to go downhill. You start to wonder what event changed everything. Which is similar to that of being in recovery. You spend hours trying to figure out what happened, when did the disorder take over and how.
There are going to be things that you convince yourself are normal and that they aren’t a part of your disordered habits. You’ll hold onto them for years until it hits you. They aren’t normal. You chose to recover but really all you did was repress certain things in order to manage your disorder. You’ve managed to repress enough that you can still live… but every once in a while the feelings start to emerge.
You’re scared to let go and move on.
You’re scared of letting go of the only coping mechanism that you’ve known.
You’re scared what will happen.
When it comes to breaking up with your eating disorder, you can’t just ignore phone calls and text messages; because the voice is in your head. It’s a battle within yourself that you can’t just escape from.
The voice in your heads will continue for years to come to fight and to try and come back in your life. It could wait until you’ve been doing really good and are finally happen, then you wake up one day and the negative thoughts will be back and it will almost feel like coming home. It feels like home until it hits you that this was the place that broke you. This was the place that led you to rock bottom.
Breaking up with your eating disorder is something that can leave you feeling refreshed. It leaves you with pure happiness and joy. It leaves you feeling grateful for the people in your life and the things you’ve been through. But more than anything it leaves you with strength. It won’t be easy, break ups never are. But in the end the best thing that you could ever do for yourself is walk away from it and choose recovery.
Any break up will change you.
Any break up will make you stronger than before.
But this one..
This one is more than just deleting phone numbers, messages, and cleaning out your closet. This one is an inner battle with yourself that you’ll fight with daily. An inner battle that you’ll still wake up to every morning.
Deciding to recover is simply the first step in your break up…
the second is actually making the steps towards recovery. The third step isn’t just utilizing the steps and living in freedom.
The third step is when things get hard. It’s the struggles you face and the feeling of being uncomfortable. The third step is facing all of your fears and fighting back.
The fourth is when you start to feel alive again. You start to see yourself the way your friends do. But sometimes you still break. Sometimes you break down and don’t know how to handle it.. so you push aside. The thought of things you chose before haunt you. You beat yourself up for allowing it to get that bad.
But then you realize that it’s okay. That it wasn’t your choice.. and thats when you’ve reached the fifth step. The step where you realize that you don’t need to always be perfect. You didn’t choose to have a mental illness, but you did choose to recover.
The sixth step is when you feel freedom. You wake up and feel free. You allow yourself to enjoy your life. The only time you think of your eating disorder is when you look back on how far you’ve come. You understand your growth. You realize that choosing to break up with your disordered habits was the best decision you’ve ever made.
Break ups aren’t just about ending a stage within your life, but also opening a door to a new beginning. Much like a break up with a significant other, the steps aren’t always straight forward… sometimes people hit different stages faster than others, but that doesn’t mean you’re not healing.